ONE-LINERS · PAGE TWO

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long."

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go."

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honor. Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."