ONE-LINERS · PAGE THREE

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

I was born by Cesarean section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air .

I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables. I was clearing them for take off. I had them all lined up outside. People thought it was an outdoor cafe. I said, "No, these are leaving at 3." They were going to fire me anyway, because I told them I thought they should put the wrapper on the inside of the straw since that's the part you don't want to get dirty.