ONE-LINERS · PAGE FOUR

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually.

If you want to be a stand-out beauty, mingle with ugly people.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

What happens if you get scared half-to-death twice?

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them

speak?

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

I don't have a solution but I do admire the problem.

Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'...till you can find a rock.

If things start going any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.