Deep Thoughts
by Jack Handy...............................................................................
This page is dedicated to Kristi Joy
These are some of Jack's profundities which I've
grabbed from here and there across the web!
Through all the hard times, Kristi Joy, you've been able to maintain a sense of humor.
May you always keep that, sweet-heart because it fits you so well!! The world is full of love. There's plenty to go around! Grab your piece of the pie!!
We love you, Kristi! *hugz and a KOTC* Your lovin' bro.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain
lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tell the reader we are
going to have fun with this thing.
If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't
think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see
that and they think, ``Forgive me, but that's just too much.''
I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the
Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese? They probably
break down into their various gases before they even hit.
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying
across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a very beautiful rose in
his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also,
you're drunk.
If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do.
Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.
If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear, don't stop
and think of what other words have ``under'' in them, because that's probably
the first sign of jungle madness.
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster,
I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something
like ``Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!'' and started laughing, and
everybody else started laughing, I could just say, ``That's right, it's a soldering
iron. The soldering iron of justice.'' Then everybody would get real quiet and
ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could
probably hit them up for a free drink.
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid
gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to
laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't
seem quite so funny.
Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy
planet.
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not
the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's
back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should
automatically disqualify you.
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house.
And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a
``shell'' if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard protective substance.
Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.
I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND
Superman away.
I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to
do what I say.
I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the
Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese? They probably
break down into their various gases before they even hit.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is ``God is
crying.'' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is
``Probably because of something you did.''
I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people,
because I bet a lot of high schools would pick ``Americans'' as their mascot.
To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same
time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't
remember, all rolled into one big ``thing''. This is truth, to me.
I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit
on the head and it damages the part of the brain the makes you want to study
the brain.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself:
``Mankind''. Basically, it's made up of two separate words - ``mank'' and ``ind''.
What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can't think
of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all those
wishes.
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much
glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.
I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the
movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto you buttocks and start yowling and
running around. Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy
would say, ``Hey, let's put him in the movie.''
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for ``better treatment''? I'd ask for a
pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be
able to get a lot of free games.
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your
elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever
press charges.
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses
should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
Too bad there's not such a thing as a golden skunk, because you'd probably be
proud to be sprayed by one.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will
really throw you into a panic.
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes
people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking
surface attached to the end of a long stick.
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all
watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be
thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be
an eclipse and tell the cave men, ``If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be
blotted out from the sky.'' Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably
try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the
moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
If you drop your keys into molten lava just let 'em go 'cause, man, they're gone
I remember that one fateful day when Coach too me aside. I knew what was
coming. ``You don't have to tell me,'' I said. ``I'm off the
team, aren't I?'' ``Well,''
said Coach, ``you never were really ON the team. You made that
uniform you're
wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space
helmet. You show
up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase
you to get it back,
or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times.'' It was all
true what he was
saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head
of this Coach. He
sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold.
But that's when
I felt the handcuffs go on.
The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had
any toys.
But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it
with rocks, and
he would go around and whap the other children across the face
with it. Man, I
think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to
give me the
toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran
away. I chased
him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's
the way of these
people.
Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think,
``Aw,
who cares?'' And then I think, ``Hey, what's for supper?''
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our
children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tiptop and bend it
clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all
the stuff that comes flying out.
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that
was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But
they forget the negative side, which is the preening.
If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play,
just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life.
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says
something like, ``Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?''
or ``Do you have that $50 you borrowed?'' Man, quit being so cheap!
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to
take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old
burned-out warehouse. ``Oh, no,'' I said. ``Disneyland burned down.'' He cried and
cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to
drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray,
I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was,
and how I named him Flint.
A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the
dirt and beg for it.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe
you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their
pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a
pack of wild dogs.
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity
would be ``Clark Kent, Dentist,'' because you could save money on tooth X-rays.
But then I thought, if a patient said, ``How's my back tooth?'' and you just
looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, ``Oh it's okay,'' then the patient
would probably say, ``Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?'' and you'd say,
``Aw fuck you, get outta here,'' and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal.
First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that
looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes,
I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high
rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not
even feel it.
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy,
throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how
stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned
him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, ``I helped skin
Bob.''
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then
gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious
people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick ``Americans'' as
their mascot.
I bet when the Neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, ``Don't forget the thick, heavy brows.'' Then they
would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows
too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said ``Watch for Rocks.'' Marta
said it should read ``Watch for Pretty Rocks.'' I told her she should
write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it
was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're
sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his
head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
The old pool shooter has won many a game in his life. But now it was
time to hang up the cue. When he did all the other cues came crashing to
the floor. ``Sorry,'' he said with a smile.
Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth
spin real fast and freak everybody out.
Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to
throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who
hears me, because I am beautiful.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to
calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell.
When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've
left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a
note that says ``You.'' After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm
done.
When I heard that trees grow a new ``ring'' for each year they live, I
thought, we humans are kind of like that: we grow a new layer of skin each
year, and after many years we are thick and unwieldy from all our skin layers
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been
painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a
child look like a deer.
Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will
someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged
as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie
heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not,
mmmmmmm, boy.
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he
made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she
disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, ``Dust to dust,''
some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the
others, ``I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun.''
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon
was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending
he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think,
``Aw, who cares?'' And then I think, ``Hey, what's for supper?''
If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or
the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but
instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when
you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough
and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, ``Boy, these are good cigars!''
It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up
about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at the Marineland says, ``You
can't throw chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish.'' Sure they eat fish, if
that's all you give them. Man, wise up.
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to
me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was -
and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there
were some
trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever
sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called ``Dad.'' We'd eat some
stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave
you.
I believe God dwells inside us, like some people say. I sure hope He
likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed
shrink is our friend.
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash
is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff,
then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, ``What was
THAT?!''
I bet when the Neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, ``Don't forget the thick, heavy brows.'' Then they
would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows
too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every
culture, is the story of Popeye.
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to
town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of
freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks
at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at
all but only dirty-clothes hampers.
Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and
knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. But I think it was just a
lucky swing.
Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opened wider, go ``Whoa! Whoa!'' and flail your
arms around, like you're going to fall in.
Thank you, Kristina, for sending these to add!
Mick.
"My friend Suzannah just got back from Colarado and gave me a postcard
book with Jack Handy's Deep Thoughts on each.
Here are a few I think you'd like:
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money.
I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting
there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call
them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what,
can't we all be brothers?
If trees could scream, would we be so cavelier about cutting them
down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no apperant
reason.
Any ways, I don't know if you have heard them already, but I don't think
they're on your page... I don't know.
Kristina"
Kristi Joy, I will love you forever and always.
I pray to Almighty God that He allows Peace, Joy and Love into your life.
One too many children have suffered -
you have paid your dues, sweetest of all the Angels.
Please, now, go and find Happiness!
Clint
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