A. Your hero should never fire a weapon ... unless he plans to empty it. (See III-F)

B. A Magnum is more dramatic than an ordinary pistol; an automatic weapon or riot gun is even more effective.

C. Furthermore, your heroes should pull their weapons at every opportunity. This leads the audience to believe something important is about to happen. When it doesn't, rely on your audience to forget it by the next scene and to remember only how menacing your heroes looked in the classic shooting stance.

A. Never crash a vehicle ... unless you plan to:

B. Furthermore, never crash a vehicle unless you plan to make it explode (viewed from several different angles, preferably in slow motion... this adds drama and helps pad the plot, which you probably didn't have in the first place or you wouldn't be writing such nonsense).

C. Tires always squeal, whether on pavement, gravel, dirt, snow, water, cobblestone, etc. Furthermore, squealing tires always throw up an abundance of gravel, dirt, etc, to add visual interest.

D. Drivers and passengers always emerge unscathed despite the apparent seriousness of the crash.

E. When responding to an emergency, the hero always makes at least one 180-degree turn and takes at least two corners on two wheels.

F. Have at least once car chase per act. This chase should include one or more of points A-E above. The chase adds excitement, helps the audience forget the plot (which, remember, you didn't have...) and pads the script (a very important requirement to give the audience a necessary respite from active thought).

A. The hero is always personally involved (this adds humanity to your story); i.e., the hero knows the victim, the criminal, the witness, or all three of the above, or he knows someone who does ...

B. The hero is always right; conversely, his superiors are always wrong. (Special kudos to Stephen J. Cannell for adapting this rule so successfully in HUNTER and RIPTIDE.)

C. If working with a partner, the hero can always outrun his partner, even if said sidekick is 20 years younger (re: T.J. HOOKER, any episode).

D. The hero never plays it safe. His plans are always brilliant, daring and successful. Furthermore, he never shares these plans with his partner or superiors, thus insuring he gets all the credit.

F. The hero never has to reload his weapon unless this is to be a point of dramatic tension.

G. If the hero is romantically involved with a woman, she is the next victim on the crazed killer's list. This is similar to the 'Red Shirt syndrome' of STAR TREK's security personnel.

A. The villain is always the lowest form of scum, without any redeeming features. This avoids the possibility of the audience feeling any sympathy for the villain, an act which would create tension and stress (which the audience turned on your show to avoid... )

B. Similar to A above, always identify your criminal quickly to reduce the possibility of suspense.

C. Once captured, the villain always confesses. This avoids the possibility of post-viewing anxiety, which the audience might experience if they imagine the villain will be let off in court.

A. If the victim is a woman, she is always young and gorgeous.

B. Try to use a female victim whenever possible. Crimes against women are very "in" this season, probably because most of the scripts are written by men with deep-seated neuroses.

A. The witness should be female, young and gorgeous, or

B. A precocious child of either sex, or

C. Elderly and endearingly eccentric.

A. The crime should take place in an exotic locale where maximum use of the bosom can be achieved (i.e., the beach, pool, spa, gym or nightclub, where skimpily-clad females can display their attributes to best advantage). (See IX)

B. With regard to A above, avoid locating your crime in an environment not conducive to bikinis.

C. When explaining clues or leads, explain them twice, show them at least once whenever possible, and then explain them again to avoid the possibility of confusing the audience.

A. Never read your dialog aloud to see if it can be spoken by human actors. This adds comedic relief during the actual aired episode. (Example: Hooker, re his wounded partner: "The bullet that Romano took -- it had my name on it.")

B. Always state the obvious, just in case the audience missed it.

C. Use cliches in dialog to avoid articulate speech. A show of intelligence might confuse your audience, or worse, make them think.

D. Your hero should always expound words of wisdom at the end of your story to explain the moral. If your story doesn't have a moral, invent one. This makes up for your lack of a plot, and deludes the audience into thinking you had something important to say.

A. Acting ability comes last to the considerations of physical beauty or prowess in your characters.

B. Beautiful female characters never show true emotion, which might momentarily mar their gorgeous facade. The actor should remind herself at all times, i.e. "This is the way a beautiful woman shows fear," or "This is the way a beautiful woman cries." This serves an additional purpose: At no time is your audience lulled into the suspicion that any of this is really happening...

A. Always write down to your audience. Assume them to be mindless cretins incapable of even the most elementary thought processes.