The usual disclaimers apply here. I don't own the guys. They belong to Pet Fly, Paramount, Mr. Bilson and Mr. DeMeo. No money was made from this.

Where Do We Stand?
A Missing Scene from "Brother's Keeper"
By Cheyenne

Blair woke to a pounding head, a rolling stomach and a mouth that tasted like his week old socks. Oh God, had he really let Simon talk him into smoking that cigar? He experimentally tasted his own mouth and winced. Yep, he had. He had to have been pretty drunk to do that.

He squeezed his eyes shut in an attempt to shut out the light filtering in through the window of his room and go back to sleep.

On second thought maybe, if he were real lucky, he'd die in the next few minutes. Death had to beat his current state of health. He waited. Damn. Nothing. Oh well, he sighed to himself, may as well try getting up. Surely he couldn't feel any worse, he thought as he pushed himself to a sitting position.

He was wrong. Oh God, was he wrong. This was a thousand times worse. He lay back down and pulled the covers back over his head only to throw them away to make a mad dash for the bathroom, praying every step of the way that Jim wasn't up yet.

************

Jim smiled as he came down the steps from his bedroom. He had heard the wild commotion as Sandburg ran for the bathroom and could still hear the retching coming from his partner. He shook his head as he reached for the coffee pot and began filling it with water.

He felt a twinge of guilt as he listened to his partner's distress. He'd been preoccupied about his reconciliation with Steven last night and before he had realized it, Blair had already consumed enough alcohol to let Simon talk him into smoking a cigar. Jim had known at that point that the kid had drank way too much. He tried to console himself with the knowledge that Blair was a grown man and should surely know when he'd had enough to drink. After all, how many times had his partner made the proclamation that he was an adult and capable of taking care of himself. Unfortunately, that bit of wisdom hadn't taken him very far.

He had also known that Blair was dealing with some difficult emotions he was trying to keep hidden from Jim as well as from the rest of the world. But Jim knew him too well, better than Blair gave him credit for sometimes.

Ever since they had first met, almost two years ago, Jim had witnessed how Blair always felt like the odd man out, on everything. He was the consummate observer, whether it was the police department, some obscure tribe in the Amazon or a simple family gathering by strangers in Cascade. He observed, never participated.

Jim couldn't help but wonder how much of the rare insecurity he witnessed in Blair was due to his upbringing. Jim liked Naomi and he respected her for holding to her beliefs, but he doubted she had ever been able to provide a sense of security for Blair regarding a family life.

He knew his own family was not a prime example to show off to anyone but he'd had enough interaction with grandparents, aunts, uncles and Caroline's family to know and understand how they held together and functioned. Blair had never been given that opportunity, as a child or as an adult. He had told Jim that the time he'd been living in the loft was the longest he had ever been in one place his entire life and only very recently he'd finally verbalized how much having Jim as a friend had meant to him.

The young loner had finally begun to find a place in the world to call home and to actually feel as if he belonged.

Jim shook his head in regret. If he hadn't been so self-absorbed with his anger toward Steven at the beginning of the investigation, he'd have noticed the change in Blair sooner. He knew the young man felt his position in Jim's life was threatened. Despite the flip remark about applying for a grant to study his brother, Jim had seen the hurt and doubt that had passed across his partner's face.

Jim heard the comments from his co-workers; that he and Blair were more than partners, that they shared a bond that went beyond work association. They didn't understand it any more than Jim did but they accepted it; and Sandburg. The young college student had blown in to their midst and into Jim's life like a warm spring zephyr. He had made friends and he had turned a scared, lonely recluse into a man who was once again in control of his life. He and Blair were brothers in every sense of the word except by blood. Jim thought perhaps that was what made the ties between them so much stronger. They weren't held together by the bonds of family obligations, but were friends, partners and brothers by choice.

Sure , at first it had been a necessity, especially on Jim's part for help in controlling his heightened senses, but it had evolved. Maybe it was part of the Sentinel/Guide relationship or it might have been the empty void in each of their lives. Jim had needed a younger brother to fill the emptiness that Steven had left and Jim felt pretty certain he filled the void of a stable male figure in Blair's life, the older brother/father he'd never had.

Either way he had to let Blair know that no matter how his future with Steven went, it wasn't going to change Jim's feelings toward Blair. Jim had thought about it quite a lot recently and had come to the conclusion that if his Sentinel abilities were to disappear and never to return, he would still want Blair Sandburg as a friend and partner.

What was it Jim had heard once? You couldn't pick your relatives or your neighbors but you could pick your friends. Jim had picked his and was proud of the choice he had made.

He shook his head again to bring himself out of his worried thoughts. They had to straightened this out before it went any further. Jim heard the gurgling of the coffee pot as it finished brewing and waited for Blair.

************

Blair breathed easier as the nausea eased but his head continued to pound; worse if that was possible. Between last night's overindulgence and his own special brand of paranoia, things just couldn't have seemed worse at the moment. His memories of the celebration were definitely fuzzy. They had drank a lot before ever getting to the restaurant and then he had let Simon talk him into that damn cigar.... Blair felt his stomach begin to roll again and pushed the thought away as he rose to stare into the bathroom mirror.

In the privacy of the bathroom he was able to admit to his fears and an uncertainty that tugged at him as he wondered about his future. The knowledge of Jim having a brother was shock enough, but to find that brother was the younger brother Blair had imagined himself to be, was a hurt too deep to voice.

He should have known better. It was his destiny to fulfill a function, in this case as Jim's guide, but he wasn't meant to belong or to have his own little 'niche' in the world, unless of course it was alone.

He cursed himself for his selfishness. What right did he have to feel jealously toward Steven Ellison. The man was Jim's brother, his true brother for God's sake, not just a brother in spirit.

The constant worry he lived with about Jim getting tired of him hanging around and telling him to pack and get lost had magnified itself since he had found out about Steven. Blair had tried to fight the feeling but that little selfish streak he had developed couldn't help but wish Steven would disappear.

Blair hung his head, unable to face himself in the mirror. He didn't really mean that. It was good to see Jim getting along with his brother after their 15 year silence toward each other. It was just that some small part of Blair's brain wouldn't let go of the feeling of jealously. He knew it was irrational but it refused to go away and the tiny fear of abandonment that lived deep in his soul had returned. He knew the prelude to it. He'd been through it before and now he was mentally preparing himself to face it again. He would put on a false appearance of nonchalance about being asked to move out, he'd done that before too. But, this would be harder, much harder than anything he'd ever done in the past. He'd never had to leave someone who meant as much to him as Jim did. Not just as a study subject, they'd advanced past that after a few months, but as a friend. His best friend.

His time with Jim had truly been about friendship, but Blair was realistic enough to understand that there came a time when things would have to change, they always did. Just because they were friends, it didn't mean they had to live in the same apartment or even spend most of their free time together. Jim was sure to be spending more of his free time with his brother.

Blair frowned at his reflection in the mirror. He had never been one to cling: to possessions, to places or to people. Everything was there to be enjoyed but then either they or he would move on. Why had he allowed himself to become attached to Jim Ellison and this home?

It was simple. Even though Naomi had been the only constant in his life, she had a tendency to up and disappear on him without warning. He'd go months without seeing or hearing from her.

With the exception of the time he had been kidnaped, Jim had never done that to him. He had always been there and always made Blair feel safe and welcome. Jim had shown him what it meant to have someone who worried over what time he got home at night, whether or not his car broke down or to make sure he stopped when exhaustion was taking its toll on him.

It might have been better if he had stayed detached as Naomi had always taught him, the hurt wasn't nearly as bad if you didn't know what you were missing. But he hadn't done that and the pain was multiplied ten-fold. He had experienced the security and the welcomed warmth from finding a place in the world where he thought he belonged and with someone who would be there no matter what. It hurt to lose that.

Blair inhaled deeply and steadied himself before going out to face his roommate. If Jim was ready for him to move out and find his own place, he would do it. If he wanted to include Blair less in his work, in his life in general or even in the sentinel thing, then Blair would do that too. He didn't know how but he would.

***********

Jim heard the bathroom door open and prepared himself for setting his partner straight on their standing with each other...

The End