All employees must follow these guidelines when reporting on the Old Firm.
Penalty for failure - immediate dismissal and banishment to Garngad.
Section 1 - Word Choice
The following expressions must be used liberally when talking about Celtic: jammy, dirty, bad-tempered, desperate, edged victory
The equivalent expressions below must be used when describing the mighty Rangers: well-deserved, tough tackling, competitive, plucky, overpowered. (Other useful expressions may be chosen from the Archie McPherson Rangers handbook).
Section 2 - Referees and on-field incidents
- Hugh Dallas is to be described as Scotland's premier whistler.
- The coin throwing outrage must be mentioned for all Dallas' games.
- Awards of penalties to Rangers to be described as "clear penalties".
- Celtic penalty awards to be described as "dubious in the extreme".
- Linesmen missing clear goals for Celtic are always "unsighted".
- A decision against Rangers is "a travesty".
Section 3 - Old Firm Games
When the glorious Rangers win:
- Proclaim their greatness and superiority over Celtic.
- Call Dick Advocaat a "Dutch Master"
- Call Bazza a "midfield maestro".
- Prepare the headline "Crisis at Parkhead"
If Celtic get a jammy win.:
- Emphasise the fact that it was an understrength Rangers.
- Accuse the Celtic players of being triumphalist.
- Suggest Martin O'Neill is moving to Man United.
- Fabricate a story about Celtic players misbehaving for front page headline.
Section 4 - Common Themes
- Rangers have more financial muscle than Celtic.
- Rangers have a proud record in the Champions' League
- Jock Stein was vastly over-rated.
- Inter Milan had an off night on May 25th 1967
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